How to make friends

There are many reasons why a person could have trouble making friends; here are a few:

1) shyness (social anxiety)
2) depression (with resulting lack of energy & motivation)
3) difficulty with social skills (in initiating contact or communication with new people, with continuing on after an introductory contact, or with maintaining healthy ongoing friendships)
4) difficulty finding a community of accepting peers, despite having addressed other factors, such as #1-3 above. So, for example, a person with a particular lifestyle or cultural interest may not be able to find many people with whom to share this in the local community.
5) sometimes there may be qualities about a person's behaviour that cause others not to want a friendship (e.g. recurring temper tantrums or other overt manifestations of hostility).
6) lack of time, energy, or money

Here are some ways to address the problem of making friends:

1) treat shyness. Pharmacologically and psychotherapeutically. Strong effort needs to be spent on practicing cognitive-behavioural techniques. I encourage all who believe they may be shy to start by reading some of the many books on the subject of shyness.
2) treat depression
3) Learn about social skills. This can start with reading. A therapy group of almost any sort can be a good resource. Psychotherapy can be a setting to practice social skills. Other activities can be great places to practice, such as taking a class, joining a group, Toastmaster's, etc. Skills have to be practiced. The skills need to be practiced in all three domains (initiating communication with new people, continuing on to the next step following an introduction, and maintaining ongoing positive communication and activity within existing friendships).
4) Identify individual lifestyle and cultural interests, and deliberately seek out groups that can share in this (for example, regarding music, the arts, orientation/identity issues, hobbies, sports). Be willing to at least slightly expand your horizons of cultural interest & involvement. If you have a healthy solitary interest, try to make it a healthy group interest.
5) Identify factors within oneself that may make it hard for someone to befriend you (e.g. temper problems, refusal to allow closeness, etc.) Be very honest with yourself about this. The gentle feedback or support from a therapist can help. It needs to be emphasized, though, that in a depressed state, many people believe they are unattractive for a variety of reasons, and this type of thinking about self can be a symptom of the depression. If you falsely believe that people don't like you -- for any reason -- then your social actions may lead you to become more isolated and alone.
6) Time, energy, and money may need to be set aside, to allow for the development of a social life. There are many community resources that are free, or that may specifically welcome and try to help those in economic need. Maybe your community does not have enough of these types of resources--if this is the case I hope there is the possibility that you can find a different community that does have enough.

In today's world, we of course have access to "virtual communities" and other types of relationship-building that can be done on the internet. I think the internet is a powerful resource, and can be very helpful for making friends, or practicing social skills. But the medium of the internet can itself be addictive, so this needs to be watched for. Some people may spend so much time on internet relationship sites that their non-internet relationship life may be shrinking rather than growing.

A brief google search on the internet with the name of your city or town plus "social networking" or "meetup" may yield a variety of possible real-life social groups to consider joining, some of them geared towards simple friendship, others may be oriented towards a particular activity, others especially for people who are shy, etc.

Here are some of the explanations people have given me about their difficulty making friends:

1) "I'm not attractive enough"
2) "This city is unfriendly"
3) "I can't be bothered"
4) "It's not worth the risk"
5) "I'm too busy"
6) "I'd rather be alone"
7) "I would be/am a burden on other people"

All of these explanations need to be addressed and challenged.
1) Beliefs about unattractiveness are a powerful social obstacle, because they cause the person who feels unattractive to withdraw, assume in advance that others don't like them, etc. Also a belief about innate unattractiveness can cause a person to be resigned to this false belief, such that actual esthetic enjoyments--including superficial but important things such as choice of attire, "spa treatments", etc.--may be unnecessarily avoided
2) While it may well be true that certain cultures or parts of the world have more or less social opportunities and a more or less socially engaging style, I find most complaints about the "unfriendly city" to be projections of one's own social frustrations onto the fairly neutral ground of the geographic city. I would encourage people to do what they can, with an open heart and mind, right where they are geographically, rather than contemplate a move right away to some supposedly more friendly place.
3 - 5) Friendship-building requires energy, and can be frustrating. There is a component of risk, at the very least of being disappointed. I stand by the advice that friendship-building is a necessary health activity for everyone, as is daily exercise of some sort. So it is necessary for your health to bother with it.
6) We all require solitude. Some of us are most comfortable alone. Many of us desire more closeness or intimacy, but have become resigned, such that we tolerate having very little. It can be a symptom of depression to become more and more isolated. Isolative resignation is a problem that needs to be worked on in the treatment of depression.
7) Belief in being a burden is another depressive assumption, just like feeling unattractive. It is time to let go of this kind of belief. Every relationship does require give and take, though, and it can be part of the process of practicing social/relationship skills to be observant of the general balance in your friendships, so that no one feels that the relationships are one-sided.

Managing Relationship Conflict

This is no easy subject. So much depends on the specifics of the situation and of the relationship. And perhaps different people deal with conflicts best in their own different ways.

But I think a few generalizations can be made:

1) Once anger has risen beyond a certain point -- and this point may vary, for different individuals, or for different situations -- there is no benefit to continued conversation. Anger is often a state of "outward flow", a state of action; an angry person may not be able or willing to listen or receive an "inward flow" of information or feedback. There needs to be a break, to cool down, after which if there are issues to discuss, both people will be able to hear each other better. Most issues of conflict are more fruitfully discussed when both parties are in a calm state.

2) If you are feeling unsafe, bullied, or subject to physical aggression, it is necessary to find a safe place as soon as possible. This may mean leaving physically. Or it may mean leaving the relationship. From the safe place, it will be necessary to carefully assess what to do next. It can be hard to think or plan clearly when you are in a dangerous position. You may need to seek external help, for shelter or safety.

2) Practicing empathy. While the capacity to empathize is to some degree an inborn, heritable trait, it is also a skill that can be practiced and improved. The simplest exercise is, in an argument, to simply state how you believe the other person is feeling, and why. We all have a powerful resistance to actually do this, even though most of us acknowledge that it's a good idea.

3) Apologizing. But only if you truly believe that you have been out of line.

4) Accepting apology. Which doesn't necessarily mean accepting a repetition of the status quo.

5) Be wary of the same old conflictual pattern happening over and over again.

6) If there is some positive territory, allowing some time and space for that. This could be shared interests, pleasures, activities, or mutual friends.

7) There are workbooks and other reading material which deal with relationships, managing or resolving conflict in marriages, etc. If this is a theme in your life, I strongly encourage you to acquaint yourself with this literature, and to work through a workbook or two (best if both you and your partner do it, of course). As with all self-help literature, you may find some of it preachy, trite, biased by the individual views of the author, etc. but I do think it is important to acquaint yourself with what is out there, some of it can be very helpful or at least an introduction to ideas that can help.

8) An external mediator, such as a therapist, can be helpful. It can often be important to find a mediator who does not have a specific individual alliance with either person in the conflict (i.e. the mediator should be neutral). And it can be important to find a mediator who is experienced working with relationship conflict. I believe it is important to consider that a mediator may help a relationship improve, but may also help an unhealthy or unsustainable relationship end more peacefully.

9) Maybe I should have "ranked" this item higher than (9) since it is very important: if there are untreated psychiatric symptoms in either individual member of a conflicted pair, then it can be very helpful to address and treat those symptoms. High levels of irritability can be treated with various types of psychotherapy, lifestyle change, and/or medication--with a reduction in an individual's irritability, that person may be able to negotiate conflict more peacefully and productively. In some depressive or anxious states, feedback which sounds critical in any way can lead to feelings which are so badly hurt that the conversation cannot continue. This emotional lability or hypersensitivity can also be treated through psychotherapy, lifestyle change, and/or medications.