When a baby is crying, it is important to assess what might be the problem:
-is the baby hungry?
-is the baby having some pain?
-is the baby medically ill?
-does the baby need to be changed?
-does the baby simply want affection or human contact?
It is important to meet the baby's needs.
Sometimes, though, the baby may continue crying, despite you addressing and ruling out the various possibilities described above.
What can you do?
I think it is important to be present with the baby. Be soothing and calm in your voice and touch and movement. Try not to react with frustration or anger or fear at the baby's continuing cries. But simply be present, gentle, and calm. Dance. Sit. Rock gently. Massage. Sing.
If you need to take a break, have one briefly, or have someone else take over for a while.
But return, continue, be present, be soothing, be calm, try not to let the agitation of the baby cause you to be agitated (if you become agitated or tense yourself, it may lead to a vicious cycle, and the baby may continue to cry with greater distress).
The baby will eventually stop crying. And it will learn over time that crying or distress may come and go like waves, but that there will be always someone calmly present. It is like the baby will learn -- with a guide (you) -- how to swim in stormy waters. The baby will eventually "internalize" the external guide, and this calming presence will become part of the baby's self.
I consider this to literally be part of healthy parenting and healthy infant development.
But I also consider it a metaphor for managing one's feelings and emotions at any time in life. Your emotions may be like the crying baby. The rest of your self is confronted with the task of handling the crying baby. So, be present, listen and attend to what the need may be; be soothing, be calm, try not to let the agitation of your "crying baby" cause the rest of yourself to be agitated. And you too may need breaks -- just like a tired parent -- and may need someone else to help out for a while.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Stellar Formation metaphor
Developing in life reminds me of stellar formation:
Things start with a thin cloud of dust (the dust may be so thin as to consist only of individual atoms).
There is just enough gravity to cause the huge, thin cloud to pull together slightly.
(this may take millions of years)
Eventually the cloud is dense, and is even getting warmer in the middle.
The gravity continues to act, the density increases, until the cloud is very dense and much more compact.
When the middle of the cloud is dense enough and hot enough -- an incredible qualitative change happens, one of the miracles of physics and one of the outstanding phenomena of the universe:
nuclear fusion spontaneously begins. The energy from this is tremendous, and a star is born.
Dust turns into a star. The requirements are time and gravity.
We all have time, and we all have gravity. Our lives may be full of dust. Don't let that discourage you. Gather what you can together. A powerful qualitative change can happen even after a long, long, period of waiting and working.
Things start with a thin cloud of dust (the dust may be so thin as to consist only of individual atoms).
There is just enough gravity to cause the huge, thin cloud to pull together slightly.
(this may take millions of years)
Eventually the cloud is dense, and is even getting warmer in the middle.
The gravity continues to act, the density increases, until the cloud is very dense and much more compact.
When the middle of the cloud is dense enough and hot enough -- an incredible qualitative change happens, one of the miracles of physics and one of the outstanding phenomena of the universe:
nuclear fusion spontaneously begins. The energy from this is tremendous, and a star is born.
Dust turns into a star. The requirements are time and gravity.
We all have time, and we all have gravity. Our lives may be full of dust. Don't let that discourage you. Gather what you can together. A powerful qualitative change can happen even after a long, long, period of waiting and working.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Swimming Metaphor
Learn to swim.
Symptoms are waves and storms that hit us. These waves and storms may cause us to panic, to flail and struggle in the water. This causes exhaustion and can cause us to drown. It even makes us harder to rescue.
Learn to float. Let the waves come, float with them, let them go. Learn how to avoid flailing against the waves, and instead try to ride neutrally with them. Learn how to use your energy well in this type of situation.
It is like what I've read about being swept out to sea by a rip current. It will exhaust you to struggle against it. You may have to float with it a while until you have an opportunity to move laterally, all the while allowing more time for someone to help you.
In swimming you need to be willing to put your head under the water. In this position you cannot breathe, and you cannot see clearly. Yet in this position you can swim much more efficiently. There are reflexive, self-protective instincts that sometimes need to be over-ridden in order to progress.
I've always liked this metaphor but ironically I literally swim (in the water) very poorly. I need to take more lessons myself. Actually, I think one can apply this metaphor in general more easily if you literally do swim, and take swimming lessons (in real water!).
Symptoms are waves and storms that hit us. These waves and storms may cause us to panic, to flail and struggle in the water. This causes exhaustion and can cause us to drown. It even makes us harder to rescue.
Learn to float. Let the waves come, float with them, let them go. Learn how to avoid flailing against the waves, and instead try to ride neutrally with them. Learn how to use your energy well in this type of situation.
It is like what I've read about being swept out to sea by a rip current. It will exhaust you to struggle against it. You may have to float with it a while until you have an opportunity to move laterally, all the while allowing more time for someone to help you.
In swimming you need to be willing to put your head under the water. In this position you cannot breathe, and you cannot see clearly. Yet in this position you can swim much more efficiently. There are reflexive, self-protective instincts that sometimes need to be over-ridden in order to progress.
I've always liked this metaphor but ironically I literally swim (in the water) very poorly. I need to take more lessons myself. Actually, I think one can apply this metaphor in general more easily if you literally do swim, and take swimming lessons (in real water!).
Friday, August 1, 2008
Canvas Metaphor
Your life is like a canvas, on which life experiences are painted.
If parts of your life have "gone wrong", or if there have been terrible injuries and painful experiences, these will permanently be part of the canvas.
Yet, the ongoing process of life, starting every morning, gives a daily opportunity to add more to the canvas. Part of the "painting" is outside your control, but part of the "painting" is controlled directly by your will.
Paint well. Learn new ways to paint. Learn from books, learn from other people, learn from children, learn from the elderly, learn from animals in nature. Be willing to use new tools or brushes or pigments. You may need to take a colour mixing class, so you can get just the right hue that you want. The canvas is large, and expanding. The painful areas may not disappear, but their relative size on the canvas will diminish as you add more to your painting each day.
You may find that your painting intersects or resonates with other people's paintings. That can be a great joy of life. Or you may find that your painting stands alone. There is room for every style in the great art gallery here on the earth.
If parts of your life have "gone wrong", or if there have been terrible injuries and painful experiences, these will permanently be part of the canvas.
Yet, the ongoing process of life, starting every morning, gives a daily opportunity to add more to the canvas. Part of the "painting" is outside your control, but part of the "painting" is controlled directly by your will.
Paint well. Learn new ways to paint. Learn from books, learn from other people, learn from children, learn from the elderly, learn from animals in nature. Be willing to use new tools or brushes or pigments. You may need to take a colour mixing class, so you can get just the right hue that you want. The canvas is large, and expanding. The painful areas may not disappear, but their relative size on the canvas will diminish as you add more to your painting each day.
You may find that your painting intersects or resonates with other people's paintings. That can be a great joy of life. Or you may find that your painting stands alone. There is room for every style in the great art gallery here on the earth.
Reading List
Here is a set of books that can be worthwhile to read, dealing with mental health & self care issues. I think I will try to update this list regularly as I stumble upon new titles.
1) The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. An overview of cognitive therapy ideas, with lots of exercises to work through, pertinent to anxiety, depression, relationship conflict management, procrastination, among other things. Sometimes the book may come across as saying (imagining the smiling face of the author on the cover of the book): "if only you did my exercises properly or more thoroughly, you too could have a happy life". I think this is a weakness of the book--it is important to acknowledge that cognitive techniques can help, and they require a lot of work, but they may not help all symptoms, sometimes they may not work at all, the exercises often may not be pertinent, some of the content may seem trite; and the style of the book may be annoying to some. Yet I do think it is quite a comprehensive overview of some cognitive techniques, and it is worth looking at; the author validly challenges you to actually work through all the exercises with pen and paper, cover to cover, before judging the book. While cognitive therapy can help during a bout of severe depression, I think it is most useful when you are actually feeling better already, or only feeling mildly symptomatic. The cognitive therapy can help prevent relapses, help you stay well.
2) Against Depression by Peter Kramer. A very good defense of biological psychiatry. Also some interesting ideas about how quite severe depression, with its associated severe suffering, may have been "normalized" in current and past culture, in the arts, etc. It is an interesting and thought-provoking idea. I personally agree with many of his points.
3) An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison. Her other books are also worth looking at. She tells her personal story of dealing with manic depressive illness. From an interesting perspective, in that she is a famous research psychologist who has co-authored one of the major textbooks on the subject of manic depression.
4) various of the books by Irvin Yalom. Enchanting and delightful at times. Some might find him annoying. But an example of what psychotherapy experience can be like. He has a very open and liberal style (perhaps too liberal for some).
5) various of the books by Oliver Sacks. Interesting to learn about the different experiences and phenomena associated with the brain and its disorders. In this way a commentary on the human experience in general.
6) I encourage people to visit an academic library, and browse through some of the major psychiatry and psychology journals. Look through them as you would copies of waiting-room magazines. You'll get a sense of what's going on in research, what some of the new treatments are, and how psychiatrists and psychologists think. Many of the articles are pedantic and questionably relevant, but others are more readable, pertinent, and interesting. The biggest psychiatry journals are The American Journal of Psychiatry and Archives of General Psychiatry. Another good large journal is The British Journal of Psychiatry (more of a European perspective). Journals devoted specifically to the latest medications and other technologies for treating mental illness include The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry (this journal seems quite influenced by industry, but has good updates about medication treatments), The Journal of Clinical Psychopharmacology, and Biological Psychiatry (this journal can be very technical). There are lots of interesting journals devoted specifically to psychotherapy as well, and in the psychology literature there is a wealth of other perspectives to look at (however, many psychology journals contain articles that are full of technical jargon).
7) Read a textbook of social psychology. A wonderful field, very interesting. The textbooks are easy to read. And presents a rich body of evidence about social factors in personal psychological experience that we often neglect to consider in managing emotional problems.
8) Yoga for Depression by Amy Weintraub. This was recommended to me. As I scan through it I see good things. If not this particular book, I do think that at least something in this genre deserves an important place on your bookshelf.
9) The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky. The author is a psychologist who has researched happiness, and the factors that contribute to it. An important subject, often neglected by the majority of us who focus on the factors that contribute to negative states or disorders, rather than the factors that contribute to health. However, the book, in my opinion, while having some good practical suggestions in it, is fairly weak and limited in its usefulness in its approach towards managing major mental illnesses. It is most useful for those who well, or who are recovering from their illness already, and want to consider some changes that could help them stay healthy and happy. It is also helpful, I think, for those who are chronically demoralized, moderately unhappy, but not clinically depressed.
10) Influence: the psychology of persuasion by Robert Cialdini. A useful book by a social psychologist, looking at the factors that persuade us to buy something, do something different, or change our mind. I think that being more aware of these factors -- often used in advertising or by salespeople -- can protect us from being persuaded to do things that we don't really want or need, and can therefore help us to make healthier decisions.
11) How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends by Don Gabor. So many of us struggle with shyness, or find it difficult to make new friends, or hold a conversation, etc. Here's a book that gives a lot of practical suggestions on how to approach these things more easily. I realize that many people believe a "how-to" book would not do much for them, or that the ideas in the book are things that are already very familiar or obvious to some, but I think that working through the book can only help, at least as a frame to contemplate and plan ways to make things better. There is a wide variety of books on this subject, and I invite people to check out numerous different titles--some people may need to check out numerous titles to find a book whose style and content suits them best. A search on a bookselling site such as Amazon, looking for "social anxiety" or "shyness" books will yield a nice variety to choose from.
12) Find a newspaper with a large collection of daily cartoons. Read them regularly. If you have a favourite cartoonist or humourist, get an anthology (e.g. I always liked The Far Side). A lot of other stuff in newspapers has a negative impact on mood, in my opinion, since newspapers focus on disaster and conflict in the world, rather than on things that are going well. We have to find a balance between staying well-informed and involved in debate or activism, etc. while not allowing the terrible stresses of the world to damage us. Of course, when depressed, it may be that nothing seems funny at all--and reading cartoons may just be an irritation; if this is the case, I'd advise you to give it a break until you're feeling better.
1) The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. An overview of cognitive therapy ideas, with lots of exercises to work through, pertinent to anxiety, depression, relationship conflict management, procrastination, among other things. Sometimes the book may come across as saying (imagining the smiling face of the author on the cover of the book): "if only you did my exercises properly or more thoroughly, you too could have a happy life". I think this is a weakness of the book--it is important to acknowledge that cognitive techniques can help, and they require a lot of work, but they may not help all symptoms, sometimes they may not work at all, the exercises often may not be pertinent, some of the content may seem trite; and the style of the book may be annoying to some. Yet I do think it is quite a comprehensive overview of some cognitive techniques, and it is worth looking at; the author validly challenges you to actually work through all the exercises with pen and paper, cover to cover, before judging the book. While cognitive therapy can help during a bout of severe depression, I think it is most useful when you are actually feeling better already, or only feeling mildly symptomatic. The cognitive therapy can help prevent relapses, help you stay well.
2) Against Depression by Peter Kramer. A very good defense of biological psychiatry. Also some interesting ideas about how quite severe depression, with its associated severe suffering, may have been "normalized" in current and past culture, in the arts, etc. It is an interesting and thought-provoking idea. I personally agree with many of his points.
3) An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison. Her other books are also worth looking at. She tells her personal story of dealing with manic depressive illness. From an interesting perspective, in that she is a famous research psychologist who has co-authored one of the major textbooks on the subject of manic depression.
4) various of the books by Irvin Yalom. Enchanting and delightful at times. Some might find him annoying. But an example of what psychotherapy experience can be like. He has a very open and liberal style (perhaps too liberal for some).
5) various of the books by Oliver Sacks. Interesting to learn about the different experiences and phenomena associated with the brain and its disorders. In this way a commentary on the human experience in general.
6) I encourage people to visit an academic library, and browse through some of the major psychiatry and psychology journals. Look through them as you would copies of waiting-room magazines. You'll get a sense of what's going on in research, what some of the new treatments are, and how psychiatrists and psychologists think. Many of the articles are pedantic and questionably relevant, but others are more readable, pertinent, and interesting. The biggest psychiatry journals are The American Journal of Psychiatry and Archives of General Psychiatry. Another good large journal is The British Journal of Psychiatry (more of a European perspective). Journals devoted specifically to the latest medications and other technologies for treating mental illness include The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry (this journal seems quite influenced by industry, but has good updates about medication treatments), The Journal of Clinical Psychopharmacology, and Biological Psychiatry (this journal can be very technical). There are lots of interesting journals devoted specifically to psychotherapy as well, and in the psychology literature there is a wealth of other perspectives to look at (however, many psychology journals contain articles that are full of technical jargon).
7) Read a textbook of social psychology. A wonderful field, very interesting. The textbooks are easy to read. And presents a rich body of evidence about social factors in personal psychological experience that we often neglect to consider in managing emotional problems.
8) Yoga for Depression by Amy Weintraub. This was recommended to me. As I scan through it I see good things. If not this particular book, I do think that at least something in this genre deserves an important place on your bookshelf.
9) The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky. The author is a psychologist who has researched happiness, and the factors that contribute to it. An important subject, often neglected by the majority of us who focus on the factors that contribute to negative states or disorders, rather than the factors that contribute to health. However, the book, in my opinion, while having some good practical suggestions in it, is fairly weak and limited in its usefulness in its approach towards managing major mental illnesses. It is most useful for those who well, or who are recovering from their illness already, and want to consider some changes that could help them stay healthy and happy. It is also helpful, I think, for those who are chronically demoralized, moderately unhappy, but not clinically depressed.
10) Influence: the psychology of persuasion by Robert Cialdini. A useful book by a social psychologist, looking at the factors that persuade us to buy something, do something different, or change our mind. I think that being more aware of these factors -- often used in advertising or by salespeople -- can protect us from being persuaded to do things that we don't really want or need, and can therefore help us to make healthier decisions.
11) How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends by Don Gabor. So many of us struggle with shyness, or find it difficult to make new friends, or hold a conversation, etc. Here's a book that gives a lot of practical suggestions on how to approach these things more easily. I realize that many people believe a "how-to" book would not do much for them, or that the ideas in the book are things that are already very familiar or obvious to some, but I think that working through the book can only help, at least as a frame to contemplate and plan ways to make things better. There is a wide variety of books on this subject, and I invite people to check out numerous different titles--some people may need to check out numerous titles to find a book whose style and content suits them best. A search on a bookselling site such as Amazon, looking for "social anxiety" or "shyness" books will yield a nice variety to choose from.
12) Find a newspaper with a large collection of daily cartoons. Read them regularly. If you have a favourite cartoonist or humourist, get an anthology (e.g. I always liked The Far Side). A lot of other stuff in newspapers has a negative impact on mood, in my opinion, since newspapers focus on disaster and conflict in the world, rather than on things that are going well. We have to find a balance between staying well-informed and involved in debate or activism, etc. while not allowing the terrible stresses of the world to damage us. Of course, when depressed, it may be that nothing seems funny at all--and reading cartoons may just be an irritation; if this is the case, I'd advise you to give it a break until you're feeling better.
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