When a baby is crying, it is important to assess what might be the problem:
-is the baby hungry?
-is the baby having some pain?
-is the baby medically ill?
-does the baby need to be changed?
-does the baby simply want affection or human contact?
It is important to meet the baby's needs.
Sometimes, though, the baby may continue crying, despite you addressing and ruling out the various possibilities described above.
What can you do?
I think it is important to be present with the baby. Be soothing and calm in your voice and touch and movement. Try not to react with frustration or anger or fear at the baby's continuing cries. But simply be present, gentle, and calm. Dance. Sit. Rock gently. Massage. Sing.
If you need to take a break, have one briefly, or have someone else take over for a while.
But return, continue, be present, be soothing, be calm, try not to let the agitation of the baby cause you to be agitated (if you become agitated or tense yourself, it may lead to a vicious cycle, and the baby may continue to cry with greater distress).
The baby will eventually stop crying. And it will learn over time that crying or distress may come and go like waves, but that there will be always someone calmly present. It is like the baby will learn -- with a guide (you) -- how to swim in stormy waters. The baby will eventually "internalize" the external guide, and this calming presence will become part of the baby's self.
I consider this to literally be part of healthy parenting and healthy infant development.
But I also consider it a metaphor for managing one's feelings and emotions at any time in life. Your emotions may be like the crying baby. The rest of your self is confronted with the task of handling the crying baby. So, be present, listen and attend to what the need may be; be soothing, be calm, try not to let the agitation of your "crying baby" cause the rest of yourself to be agitated. And you too may need breaks -- just like a tired parent -- and may need someone else to help out for a while.
Showing posts with label Metaphors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Metaphors. Show all posts
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Stellar Formation metaphor
Developing in life reminds me of stellar formation:
Things start with a thin cloud of dust (the dust may be so thin as to consist only of individual atoms).
There is just enough gravity to cause the huge, thin cloud to pull together slightly.
(this may take millions of years)
Eventually the cloud is dense, and is even getting warmer in the middle.
The gravity continues to act, the density increases, until the cloud is very dense and much more compact.
When the middle of the cloud is dense enough and hot enough -- an incredible qualitative change happens, one of the miracles of physics and one of the outstanding phenomena of the universe:
nuclear fusion spontaneously begins. The energy from this is tremendous, and a star is born.
Dust turns into a star. The requirements are time and gravity.
We all have time, and we all have gravity. Our lives may be full of dust. Don't let that discourage you. Gather what you can together. A powerful qualitative change can happen even after a long, long, period of waiting and working.
Things start with a thin cloud of dust (the dust may be so thin as to consist only of individual atoms).
There is just enough gravity to cause the huge, thin cloud to pull together slightly.
(this may take millions of years)
Eventually the cloud is dense, and is even getting warmer in the middle.
The gravity continues to act, the density increases, until the cloud is very dense and much more compact.
When the middle of the cloud is dense enough and hot enough -- an incredible qualitative change happens, one of the miracles of physics and one of the outstanding phenomena of the universe:
nuclear fusion spontaneously begins. The energy from this is tremendous, and a star is born.
Dust turns into a star. The requirements are time and gravity.
We all have time, and we all have gravity. Our lives may be full of dust. Don't let that discourage you. Gather what you can together. A powerful qualitative change can happen even after a long, long, period of waiting and working.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Swimming Metaphor
Learn to swim.
Symptoms are waves and storms that hit us. These waves and storms may cause us to panic, to flail and struggle in the water. This causes exhaustion and can cause us to drown. It even makes us harder to rescue.
Learn to float. Let the waves come, float with them, let them go. Learn how to avoid flailing against the waves, and instead try to ride neutrally with them. Learn how to use your energy well in this type of situation.
It is like what I've read about being swept out to sea by a rip current. It will exhaust you to struggle against it. You may have to float with it a while until you have an opportunity to move laterally, all the while allowing more time for someone to help you.
In swimming you need to be willing to put your head under the water. In this position you cannot breathe, and you cannot see clearly. Yet in this position you can swim much more efficiently. There are reflexive, self-protective instincts that sometimes need to be over-ridden in order to progress.
I've always liked this metaphor but ironically I literally swim (in the water) very poorly. I need to take more lessons myself. Actually, I think one can apply this metaphor in general more easily if you literally do swim, and take swimming lessons (in real water!).
Symptoms are waves and storms that hit us. These waves and storms may cause us to panic, to flail and struggle in the water. This causes exhaustion and can cause us to drown. It even makes us harder to rescue.
Learn to float. Let the waves come, float with them, let them go. Learn how to avoid flailing against the waves, and instead try to ride neutrally with them. Learn how to use your energy well in this type of situation.
It is like what I've read about being swept out to sea by a rip current. It will exhaust you to struggle against it. You may have to float with it a while until you have an opportunity to move laterally, all the while allowing more time for someone to help you.
In swimming you need to be willing to put your head under the water. In this position you cannot breathe, and you cannot see clearly. Yet in this position you can swim much more efficiently. There are reflexive, self-protective instincts that sometimes need to be over-ridden in order to progress.
I've always liked this metaphor but ironically I literally swim (in the water) very poorly. I need to take more lessons myself. Actually, I think one can apply this metaphor in general more easily if you literally do swim, and take swimming lessons (in real water!).
Friday, August 1, 2008
Canvas Metaphor
Your life is like a canvas, on which life experiences are painted.
If parts of your life have "gone wrong", or if there have been terrible injuries and painful experiences, these will permanently be part of the canvas.
Yet, the ongoing process of life, starting every morning, gives a daily opportunity to add more to the canvas. Part of the "painting" is outside your control, but part of the "painting" is controlled directly by your will.
Paint well. Learn new ways to paint. Learn from books, learn from other people, learn from children, learn from the elderly, learn from animals in nature. Be willing to use new tools or brushes or pigments. You may need to take a colour mixing class, so you can get just the right hue that you want. The canvas is large, and expanding. The painful areas may not disappear, but their relative size on the canvas will diminish as you add more to your painting each day.
You may find that your painting intersects or resonates with other people's paintings. That can be a great joy of life. Or you may find that your painting stands alone. There is room for every style in the great art gallery here on the earth.
If parts of your life have "gone wrong", or if there have been terrible injuries and painful experiences, these will permanently be part of the canvas.
Yet, the ongoing process of life, starting every morning, gives a daily opportunity to add more to the canvas. Part of the "painting" is outside your control, but part of the "painting" is controlled directly by your will.
Paint well. Learn new ways to paint. Learn from books, learn from other people, learn from children, learn from the elderly, learn from animals in nature. Be willing to use new tools or brushes or pigments. You may need to take a colour mixing class, so you can get just the right hue that you want. The canvas is large, and expanding. The painful areas may not disappear, but their relative size on the canvas will diminish as you add more to your painting each day.
You may find that your painting intersects or resonates with other people's paintings. That can be a great joy of life. Or you may find that your painting stands alone. There is room for every style in the great art gallery here on the earth.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Fishing Metaphor
I find this metaphor applicable especially to social anxiety, shyness, and frustrations finding new relationships.
The aspect of this metaphor I don't fully like is that it is a little bit "predatory". And I also feel badly for creatures that are hunted or raised for food, including fish. Yet, fishing has been an important human activity for thousands of years, and similar processes occur in all other domains of nature. Also, the metaphor of fishing has been used elsewhere in literature & religion (e.g. in a story from the Bible, Jesus' disciples are called to be "fishers of men"). In adopting this metaphor, I would insist that people maintain healthy, honourable respect for other individuals ("fish"), just as they would expect others to treat them honourably. But here is the metaphor:
Forming relationships is like fishing.
In order for fishing to be a positive and successful experience, it helps to enjoy the process: getting up early, traveling to the lake, organizing your equipment, sitting in the boat. If you enjoy the process itself, your emotions will be more relaxed and positive, and you will be less vulnerable to feeling hurt or disappointed if you don't actually catch any fish.
You should be well-fed, not hungry, when you get into your boat.
Once you are in the boat, you need to have your line in the water.
If you are not getting any bites, you may need to move your boat, or try a different lure.
If you have many bites, but no fish, it is usually a good sign, not a bad sign. Keep trying. Mind you, there may be a problem with your technique that is causing this problem, so you may need to assess this or get advice about it.
It is a recipe for disappointment if you expect to catch a particular individual fish that you see in the lake (you can always try, though, as long as the effort is enjoyable for you). Be open to assessing the bites that you actually get.
It can help immensely to have a "guide" to help you fish.
It is vitally important to learn about safety on the water, and to take all appropriate steps to stay safe (e.g. life jackets, learning boating skills, letting people know where you are, etc.).
It is necessary, healthy, and appropriate, to "throw back" fish that are not the right ones for you. You should be skilled at this practice, so that you do not unnecessarily injure yourself, or the fish you throw back.
Fishing is probably more enjoyable and a more successful activity if it is something you do regularly as part of a healthy lifestyle, instead of something you do only once every few years.
The aspect of this metaphor I don't fully like is that it is a little bit "predatory". And I also feel badly for creatures that are hunted or raised for food, including fish. Yet, fishing has been an important human activity for thousands of years, and similar processes occur in all other domains of nature. Also, the metaphor of fishing has been used elsewhere in literature & religion (e.g. in a story from the Bible, Jesus' disciples are called to be "fishers of men"). In adopting this metaphor, I would insist that people maintain healthy, honourable respect for other individuals ("fish"), just as they would expect others to treat them honourably. But here is the metaphor:
Forming relationships is like fishing.
In order for fishing to be a positive and successful experience, it helps to enjoy the process: getting up early, traveling to the lake, organizing your equipment, sitting in the boat. If you enjoy the process itself, your emotions will be more relaxed and positive, and you will be less vulnerable to feeling hurt or disappointed if you don't actually catch any fish.
You should be well-fed, not hungry, when you get into your boat.
Once you are in the boat, you need to have your line in the water.
If you are not getting any bites, you may need to move your boat, or try a different lure.
If you have many bites, but no fish, it is usually a good sign, not a bad sign. Keep trying. Mind you, there may be a problem with your technique that is causing this problem, so you may need to assess this or get advice about it.
It is a recipe for disappointment if you expect to catch a particular individual fish that you see in the lake (you can always try, though, as long as the effort is enjoyable for you). Be open to assessing the bites that you actually get.
It can help immensely to have a "guide" to help you fish.
It is vitally important to learn about safety on the water, and to take all appropriate steps to stay safe (e.g. life jackets, learning boating skills, letting people know where you are, etc.).
It is necessary, healthy, and appropriate, to "throw back" fish that are not the right ones for you. You should be skilled at this practice, so that you do not unnecessarily injure yourself, or the fish you throw back.
Fishing is probably more enjoyable and a more successful activity if it is something you do regularly as part of a healthy lifestyle, instead of something you do only once every few years.
Defective steering wheel metaphor
We all have the capacity to "steer" our lives.
Yet the "steering wheel" never works perfectly. It may steer better at certain moments, but later on may seem to barely work at all.
Imagine driving a car like this. It could lead to moments of calm, confident driving, but then when the steering is failing, it would lead to frantic efforts to steer harder. You would see that your efforts produced some result (since the steering wheel still works a bit), so you would step up the frantic efforts. Yet the car might continue to lose directional control.
To manage this situation, you must be prepared to steer well when you can. When the steering wheel is not working so well, resist the vicious cycle of frantically attempting to regain control. You may need to slow the car down enough so that you can keep it on track even with limited steering capacity.
People panic when they can't control their lives. Often the panic is worse when they see that they are not TOTALLY out of control, but only partially. The panicked person observes that they have PARTIAL control, so they frantically try to exert this partial control on their lives. The frantic quality of this action increases the panic and exhaustion. It may cause the person to forget to slow the car down, and that's when major accidents can happen.
Yet the "steering wheel" never works perfectly. It may steer better at certain moments, but later on may seem to barely work at all.
Imagine driving a car like this. It could lead to moments of calm, confident driving, but then when the steering is failing, it would lead to frantic efforts to steer harder. You would see that your efforts produced some result (since the steering wheel still works a bit), so you would step up the frantic efforts. Yet the car might continue to lose directional control.
To manage this situation, you must be prepared to steer well when you can. When the steering wheel is not working so well, resist the vicious cycle of frantically attempting to regain control. You may need to slow the car down enough so that you can keep it on track even with limited steering capacity.
People panic when they can't control their lives. Often the panic is worse when they see that they are not TOTALLY out of control, but only partially. The panicked person observes that they have PARTIAL control, so they frantically try to exert this partial control on their lives. The frantic quality of this action increases the panic and exhaustion. It may cause the person to forget to slow the car down, and that's when major accidents can happen.
Ship at Sea metaphor
Your situation may be like a ship in the middle of the sea.
You may not know where you are.
You may not know if you are progressing or not.
You may be struggling hard to push forward, but are unsure whether you are going in the right direction, if you are going in circles, or if you are making any headway at all against the current or the wind.
Your frantic efforts to push the ship forward may result in the structural integrity of the ship starting to fail -- leaks here and there may not be addressed, or you might not notice the broken rudder.
It helps to know a few things:
1) there are ways to navigate, and these techniques need to be learned. You may be so focused on the task of propelling your ship, that you forget to look up at the stars at night, to see where you are. You may need to learn from others in order to navigate efficiently. The learning may need to take place through receiving advice, reading books, and practicing (with the expectation of making mistakes along the way).
2) Your efforts across the vast sea may be very significant, you may be making tremendous progress in your journey, but when you look out of your ship you may still see exactly the same blank, empty horizon with no sign of land. Be patient. You may be farther along than you think you are. Your efforts may have helped you more than you think they have.
3) you have to do regular maintenance on your ship -- resist the urge to frantically push forward, and reserve time for self-care.
4) the wind can be your ally, even if it is blowing against you. In sailing, one can use the power of a headwind to propel oneself forward--it requires a tactical change though, you have to "tack" by moving at an angle away from your desired direction, and "zig-zag" instead of going straight. Many goals in life require "tacking" instead of a direct approach.
You may not know where you are.
You may not know if you are progressing or not.
You may be struggling hard to push forward, but are unsure whether you are going in the right direction, if you are going in circles, or if you are making any headway at all against the current or the wind.
Your frantic efforts to push the ship forward may result in the structural integrity of the ship starting to fail -- leaks here and there may not be addressed, or you might not notice the broken rudder.
It helps to know a few things:
1) there are ways to navigate, and these techniques need to be learned. You may be so focused on the task of propelling your ship, that you forget to look up at the stars at night, to see where you are. You may need to learn from others in order to navigate efficiently. The learning may need to take place through receiving advice, reading books, and practicing (with the expectation of making mistakes along the way).
2) Your efforts across the vast sea may be very significant, you may be making tremendous progress in your journey, but when you look out of your ship you may still see exactly the same blank, empty horizon with no sign of land. Be patient. You may be farther along than you think you are. Your efforts may have helped you more than you think they have.
3) you have to do regular maintenance on your ship -- resist the urge to frantically push forward, and reserve time for self-care.
4) the wind can be your ally, even if it is blowing against you. In sailing, one can use the power of a headwind to propel oneself forward--it requires a tactical change though, you have to "tack" by moving at an angle away from your desired direction, and "zig-zag" instead of going straight. Many goals in life require "tacking" instead of a direct approach.
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